we must be deliberate

When I look back and try to figure out what single thing, if any, is responsible for me not writing anymore – it’s a feigned exercise.  There’s no mystery, it was the RV trip.  I just got way out of habit… and don’t feel compelled to go back.  Nothing, even folks occasionally telling me they’d like to see me writing again, really sways me much.  I’m just done for now.

There are things I miss about it, mostly the archival nature of old posts (and mostly not the self-indulgent soliloquy that I look back on with growing embarrassment).  I feel bad that one day down the road I’ll be able to look up posts like this one to help me recall when Keaton’s verbal skills were turning from words into rudimentary sentences but won’t have a complimentary post to help me remember when Cohen began doing the same.  (For the record, Keaton was 19mos when I wrote that and Cohen is now 18mos… he’s got quite a few words but isn’t quite idea-stringing like she was.)  Anyway I think I’ll miss being able to look things up in that sort of “index” to the past I had when I used to write every day.

I also miss the “release” of writing.  It was a great break from the tension of the day.  I’ve become bad at this, releasing tension.

I’ve atrophied; become bad at drawing every last bit of joy from each day and instead become focused on “point happenings” in the future.  My brain says, “Just four more weeks of work and then we’ll have that weekend camping trip.  Then it’s another month and I’ll take that week off when Sharaun’s folks are in town. Oh, and, won’t next Thursday night’s happy hour be a nice break… only a week or so more of this.”  There was a time when I was better at this, I stopped.  Lately I’m doing better.  Striving to  re-establish good habits.  Put the computer away at night.  Read at least one chapter to Keaton.  Spend at least 20min on the floor with Cohen.  Pull the bike out at least once a week and get around.

I fear that, looking at time stretched-out in front of me like a series of anticipated events dropped thin along a linear timeline of “must do” humdrum, I’ll miss the good stuff that happens every day.  We must be deliberate.  Must remember that the magic that is now is gone tomorrow and if I miss that game of Chutes & Ladders with Keaton tonight I might miss it forever.  We must be selfless.  My work-time can and should happen at work.  I must be diligent and keep it there.  Must be involved.  Television doesn’t count towards together.

Gonna make it better guys.  Gonna work on this sort of thing before I get down to “writing” on the priorities list.


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