For today, something different. A random selection of entries from my highschool/college “blog.” It was a lot like this place, ‘cept I called it a “journal” instead of a “blog,” it wasn’t for public consumption and accordingly not dressed up as much, and the writing is terribly juvenile (I know, I’ll be similarly ashamed of this tripe later in life). Anyway, here follows some entries, dated for easy reference, cut verbatim from the first organized canon of writing I have (I have scraps and notebooks back to ~’93). Cue smoke and those tinkling bell things.
So much for writing frequently. Jeremy lives with me now, has for a while too. I love having him here, it’s great. I’ve seen some great friends leave lately. And it’s always that handshake and the “good luck man” that gets me in the end. Mikey left, Bostrom left, Danny left, Rob leaves soon, Keli and Robin left. Just me Niz and Sharaun left here, owell that’ll do for now I suppose. Sharaun says I don’t act the same as I did two years ago when we first started going out, well, that was two years ago and all. I dunno, I just can’t figure out how to feel. I would miss her if I lost her, I know that. But if I did lose her I could gain friends again, whatever. Hate thinking about that. I’m ordering a bunch of Beatles bootleg cd’s from Germany, I sent some guy I never met a check for $200, pretty smart huh? All I can say is that I hope I get some music. Niz and I went to the Bahamas, man what a blast. I especially like Natalie, she’s a great girl to talk to. Don’t get me wrong, I still love Sharaun. Well, don’t feel like writing much more today, talk later perhaps.
Sharaun told me today that she basically wanted to sever all contact with me, I guess since people have been telling me that’s what I’ve needed – then I should be happy. Owell, we had a good two years and I’ll have lots of memories to tell my grandchildren. I was under the mistaken impression that our friendship meant something to her, yeah right. I have been experimenting with my voice and the computer and recorded one of my poems from above and some backwards speech that I thought might be interesting in the future, I plan to fill up and entire tape with odds like that eventually. I mailed the letter and tape I made to Kyle today, pretty neat sending something to an Air Force Base to one of your ex-best friends who still really figures in your life. Jeremy is working, but he should be home soon. It is very cold tonight in Florida, and I don’t have any clovers to enjoy with the cold, maybe I’ll borrow a Pote. Vanilla Fudge is an excellent band ya know? They have great songs and stuff.
I always write in this thing like I am writing to someone, I guess I kinda sit here and imagine some future person reading it. Kinda like someone will one day be interested in what I was thinking while I was growing up or something. Anyway, if I get down to it – I doubt anyone will ever read this, and if I do save it on disk, I’m sure by the time I’m old and someone wants to look at it all for posterity sake, this disk will be so outdated and unusable they’ll probably just throw it away instead of going to the trouble of finding and old Packard Bell that has Microsoft Works on it. Anyway – I will not let those thoughts daunt me – I will continue to write as if someone is reading this, or will be reading it. I makes no sense to write it thinking I’m just writing – that’s retarded. So, hereafter this and afore it all – these paragraphs, lyrics, poems, muses, commentaries and thoughts are laid bare before you to interest, disgust, inform, enlighten, reform, influence and delight you. Hopefully you’ll respect them, if for nothing else but for the fact that my thoughts are recorded here and that no matter how meaningless they are to you – they are my thoughts, and I guess man is lonely without his thoughts. But then again, loneliness is nothing anyway.
Early in the morning and I just woke up. Don’t have to be at work till 5. I have The Breeders “Divine Hammer” on the set – making me smile. Kyle came back for graduation and his mom’s wedding. I went to graduation, and had a good time. Kyle, Andy, Drew, Joey, and I have been doing a lot together. We had Chris’ B-day party over at Rob’s, his parents are in the Bahamas. I’ve been there.
And with his best serious-face in place, he lied to her out loud and in the middle of a crowd. They embraced and he felt so cheap, but she was happy and he got to go on feeling good about himself. “For some reason,” he thought, “They just don’t comprehend as much as we do. It’s so easy, it’s almost a shame.” But then he messed up, and it all got out. And he was tarnished. For some reason, no matter how much better they are, they always seem to mess up.
This thing is now 30 pages long. And this month will mark its first full year. With entries for almost every one of the past twelve months (save one or two) it makes a nice companion to remember my thoughts and feelings.
Woke up late today and had to rush out to class. Only come to find out that we have some quiz that I didn’t even know about. Needless to say, I didn’t do very well. This Physics class is really bringing me down – I just can’t get it. I just pray that I get at least a C in there so I don’t have to take the whole Godforsaken class over again next semester, that could screw everything up.
I am going home tomorrow again to work for Frank the funnel cake man. Wheee! I love work in the food business. Owell, it’s $100 and boy do I need it. I wish I could win the lottery, I’d keep going to school for the education sake of it, but I wouldn’t be as pressured. My finances would be set for life, no more worry. The whole money thing really sucks. I mean, I know there’s no other way to do it. You have to have some sort of economy, but I don’t understand how it works. How can our money be backed by gold, why is gold so special anyway? What makes it so valuable. I guess it’s the same unknown force that can make some words “bad.” Arbitrary choice is what I call it. Okay, maybe the scarcity of gold plays a role, but still – who cares. Dinosaur eggs are pretty rare too – why not back our money with those?
I mean, whose to say that this money is actually worth something? It’s all just paper. If someone who had no concept of money was offered a $500 bill, they’d say “What do I want with paper?” “But, it’s backed up with valuable gold sir.” “What’s gold, I don’t care, give me food or shelter or love, something I can really use you know? What do I want with a shiny metal or green paper, they won’t sustain my life.” Ahhh, but without them you can’t get shelter or food. That’s the catch.
So, I can understand the need for money and economy – I just wish it didn’t govern my life so much. I mean, why am I really in college right now? Because I have a passion for learning and love to go to school, not really – although I do like to learn. But the reality is that I am in college because I need a degree to get a job, I need a job to get money, which I need to live. I guess it’s a valid argument to say that you really don’t need money to live, you can always live without money, there’s plenty of ways. But those are the ways of a man in the mountains who traps and makes all his own food, has no electricity, and lives like a pioneer.
Maybe that’s why I am drawn to that lifestyle, not the full-on pioneer life, but a happy mix of mine and theirs. You know, a mountain cabin, but with electricity so I can have lights, television, and computer. Just enough amenities to live comfortably. I wish that I could just be retired but not old. Have some money to live off of that I never worked for. Man, the lottery would be great. Almost time to head back to school.
It’s a Thursday. Summer A is over tomorrow. However, I am done already. Not just done with this semester, but done with it all. 23 years old and finally out of school. I can’t believe it’s really over. I haven’t really figured it all out yet, so much will be happening to me in the next month, I still haven’t been able to grasp it all. All I know is that I am ready. Ready to take on whatever it all turns out to be. In fact, I want it to get here even quicker than it has been. I am leaving Gainesville on Saturday, leaving for good – save the one day we come to pick up our goods and pack the truck for California. Three years in this town and at this school, I finally made it. A graduate, a working class American husband, living in the California foothills.