a new wiping technique

Schematics, I know this!
Quarter to eleven and time to write tomorrow’s thingy. Came home, tidied a bit around the house and finally unpacked from the trip this weekend past. Did some dishes, watered the trees, took out the trash and then sat down with the laptop to multitask between the NBA playoffs and knocking out some work in order to meet this week’s commitments. Now I’m done working on PowerPoint slides, and I’m sick of them, so I quit and came back here to the computer room to do some serious music downloadin’ and rippin’.

Looks like I’m not alone in the desire to digitize my entire music collection: Wired magazine had a feature this month about pay-for-ripping services that will convert your CD collection to digital audio for a fee. I’m on the Ms now, Steve Miller to be exact. In a strange burst of random activity, I spent 20min this afternoon “linking up” some items on the “cast” page. I’ve been wanting to do it for a while, since I’ve written entries about lots of things I mention on there. Anyway, intro paragraph over!

I was experimenting with a new wiping technique the other day. Oh yeah, I’m talking about what you think I’m talking about. See, I’m kinda self-conscious about my current wipe – I kinda think I’m in the minority with the technique I employ. First off, I’ll start by saying that I’m semi-obsessed with being “clean.” Not to the point where it’s OCD or neurotic or anything (although I guess that could be debated), I just like to feel like I’m relatively “clean” – especially in my nether regions. I think that my current wiping strategy was born out of this desire for cleanliness, being what my mind settled on as the most efficient and tidy method.

My current wipe? Rear-wipe, sack-to-crack. Yes, that means I actually sit up off the seat a little and reach around my body to get the job done. I never thought much of this method while in the privacy of my own home, but shitting in a communal setting tends to make one examine his techniques in light of other techniques witnessed as feet-under-stalls. I noticed that most guys don’t visibly “move” when it’s time to do the wiping, and I figured that – looking in on me in the same situation – there would be visible motion associated with my wipe. I mean, I’m not propping one leg up on the seat or anything, but the slight “lift” required to get my arm around would most likely be given away by some telltale calf-flexing or heel-raising at least. So here I am, sitting in the middle stall with two other dudes dropping loads on either side – studying foot and calf movement during the wipe-phase of their food-transactions. Putting myself in their positions and pretending to examine my own movements, I suddenly became aware that I may be in the rear-wipe minority.

The majority of field data I’ve gathered is decidedly not in-line with my methodology. In fact, I’ve never seen any visible sign that someone is a rear-wiper. So it must be that the majority of people are front-wipers. Of course, I’ve never actually had the opportunity to observe my own technique (either in a mirror or via an out-of-body experience), so I’m not even positive there are any noticeable motions associated with it. However, faced with this seemingly overwhelmingly scientific data, I decided to give the front-wipe a go. For my test run, I chose the Courtyard by Marriot in Houston, TX. I took some paper (won’t even get into the paper method here, that’s another entry altogether) and went for it. Hmm… not too bad. Have to make sure that my hand doesn’t hit the surface of the water, have to make sure not to wipe too far forward – things I’m assuming come with practice and are second-nature to the seasoned front-wiper. Maybe people kinda “loom” above the seat a little even when employing the front-wipe, like I do with the rear? It just seems like a tight squeeze to get your hand down in there between the offending area and water surface.

My conclusion, the front-wipe just isn’t for me. I just don’t trust that I’m not draggin’ poo right into that dead-zone between the canyon and cajones. I mean, I guess the same could be argued against my technique, possibly lodging poo near the top of the crackish area – but I just feel I have a better go at it from that angle. I mean, they never really taught this in school or anything – you’re just kinda on your own to figure it all out. Or maybe I missed that day? Coulda been the day the Army came and gave the ASVAB test – I skipped on purpose that day so as to not alert the brass to my superior intellect and face the inevitable compulsory enlistment.

Wow guys, I just got done writing all this – and decided to search on the web… seems my fears are unfounded! I found a website which offers a wiping “poll,” and guess what? Rear-wipe, sack-to-crack/bush-to-tush, is by far the #1 technique for men and women! For really y’allz! Check out the crazy results here. Seems I’m not in the minority after all, I guess the people I work with are just all front-wipers – or I have an exaggerated idea of what the whole process must look like from an adjacent stall. Good to know that I’m not a freak, at least.

To be honest, I’d rather do like the Japanese and French do and be rid of the whole wiping thing once and for all – the bidet has to be the single best advancement in crapper technology. What a preferred solution! Faced with reaching my own hand, TP-clad or not, into my own asscrack – or having a toilet shoot a nice stream of water up there… there’s really no choice. Water cleans, people. Paper just smears and pushes around, there’s really no comparison. When I get an extra five grand saved up, maybe I’ll go all out for one of these dealies. “They’re years ahead of us!

OK, so I didn’t mean for the wipe thing to consume the whole blog today, but it kinda went on a word-rampage and stepped all over any other ideas. Being as it’s midnight-thirty and I’m getting’ tired… I’m gonna call it a night.

Dave out.

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