pictures in the dirt

thick like a milkshake
Thinking back on it, I’ve pretty much been a huge nerd from day one. Wait… you mean you’re only reading this so you can find the link to the Halloween gallery? OK, here she is: Halloween Bash ’03 in Pictures. Back to the subject at hand: I’ve never liked sports, mostly because I’ve never been any good at them. I suffer from some huge insecurity about organized sports. I get out on the field, court, diamond, whatever? try my best, and look like a fool. There’s almost nothing in the world that can make me blush in shame or embarrassment? sports can.

Oh, I’m not bad at quasi-sports. I can play a pretty good round of disc golf. I’m OK at horseshoes, darts, and bowling. I’m an OK shot with a .22 or bb gun, been known to take out a lizard from a hundred paces with the latter. I just realized all those sports are solo things, you don’t really have to “pass” or coordinate. Maybe that has something to do with it. I dunno, I’ve just always sucked at sports so I’ve always stayed away from them.

I played AYSO soccer when I was young, maybe 1st/2nd grade or something. I was goalie, but I mostly sat down under the net and drew pictures in the dirt with sticks. My cue to wake up was the parents and coach yelling that the ball was coming. I vaguely remember taking wrestling lessons at the YMCA or Boys Club or something (which seems really odd now, thinking about it), I sucked at that too I’m pretty sure. I recall taking karate for a while, I can still remember how to count to like three in Chinese or something – but that’s about it. I’m fairly sure I took swimming lessons at the local public pool around 4th grade, don’t think I ever got deep-end privileges. I tried to play baseball at my little brother’s birthday party and ended up cracking some girl in the head with a bat. Her parents sued us. I sucked at kickball in gradeschool, and flag football in middle school. I sucked at volleyball and basketball in high school gym. Pretty much if there’s a sport, I’ve either sucked at it or not tried it due to me being afraid of all sports.

Much to my surprise, I tried to play soccer with some guys from work this year. I really sucked, but I was incredibly proud that I even got out there and ran around. No one has any idea how unbelievably hard it was for me to put on that uniform and drive to the field. To feign “stretching” and “running” before the game, like I knew what I was doing. It’s so strange but when I’m attempting sports, I feel like every move I make is under a microscope. When I’m trying – everything I do is potentially humiliating, and my lack of skill just compounds it. So much so that the smallest criticism makes me wanna quit to spare myself the embarrassment. Thankfully, I injured myself trying to snowboard (which I also suck at) and didn’t get to play in too many games. I wonder where that fear came from? I know it’s dumb, but I must have developed it somehow.

A geek from day one, I remember writing a “what do I want to be” essay in gradeschool where I said I wanted to be an “animatronics engineer.” That’s right, that’s what I wanted to be? in like 3rd grade or something. They are the dudes that work on the electronic puppet things like the Country Bear Jamboree. I imagined working on something like Westworld when I grew up, helping make special effects type fake people and animals. Several times in the 5th grade, I brought in my electronics kit to show off what I’d made. A decibel meter, a door security alarm, a three note piano, etc. Sheesh, what a nerd.

Changing subjects, what’s a playa gotta do to get a pair of jeans that fit? I wonder how much it costs to get some custom jeans made?? because apparently no one else has measurements like me. There are three key aspects of “fit” I look for in jeans. Can I button and zip them? Can I wear them without having to roll up the legs? And can I walk in them without there being what I call “stress lines” going from pocket-to-crotch? I usually end up getting one out of three, and more often than not it’s the waist. I have to settle for too-long legs and Chinese-finger-trap-style thigh-constriction. Ugh.

Anthony says the caliber of the blog articles is slipping. He predicts I will abandon the blog eventually. I’m not so sure, I’m having more fun writing and posting it online than just writing. It motivates me to write more, which is cool. So I think the blog is here to stay, maybe with no one reading it… but it’ll be here. Also I hate Anthony.

Dave out.

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3 Replies to “pictures in the dirt”

  1. Dave,
    Let´s be real. You didn´t injure yourself trying to snowboarding. You injured yourself getting off the lift the first time. 🙂 Since you are all healed up, we can try again this year you might find you like it. And don´t forget you tore up the water on the wakeboard this summer 😉

  2. i *did* learn how to wakeboard… and it only took a year a half. maybe there is an athlete in me buried under all this hair and "insulation."

    nah 😉

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