stars so bright and real

I catch these little peaks of emotion; find myself moved nearly to tears just sitting and thinking.  OK not “nearly” to tears; to actual tears.  When I say “peaks” mean it; little storms that move through with fierce force.  Torrents of feelings about being on the road; about teaching our kids; about having no plans and nowhere to be at no time in particular.  

I drove for several hours earlier this week, south to north along the eastern edge of the Sierras.  Driving, watching the road go by, taking in the sights, I thought of being out there for a year.  Where are we going?  What are we going to do?  Will we find a rhythm, a routine?  Is it all going to be OK?

Sharaun and I put a movie on for the kids last night and sat together at the dining room table to sketch out how schooling is going to work.  When, how often, what subjects on which days, how, etc.  It was something we’ve both been anxious to put mental energy into, I think.  It worked well; I am abundantly glad she is a teacher by trade.  Things I’d labor and fret over come easy to her.  

Sunday night I was alone in a one-man tent near the shores of Virginia Lake,  just above 10,000ft on mile 72 of the JMT.  My muscles were sore and threatening to cramp-up in protest of every toss and turn.  I was thirsty but didn’t want to drink because I didn’t want to have to get out of the tent to pee in the cold night. 

So quiet up in the Sierras, I was close enough to the water that I could hear it lap against the granite when the wind blew.  One of those little storms of emotion hit me and I just cried, quietly, in solidarity with my surroundings. 

One moment the tears were of this happy, liberated vibe, like a thing of pure joy… a recognition of some great freedom about to be realized.   The next moment the tears were for some nondescript sense of “loss” – friends , moms, brothers and cousins I realize I won’t see as often.  Just as quick it’d switch, and the tears were from some fear… what am I doing… have I totally lost it?  Quick as it came on it went away.  A little burst.  

I am ready to go.  We are ready to go.  We gotta go, man.  

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