fiery, but no fire

Tuesday, w00t. First off, I was up too late last night, but I did find a link that was so funny I was laughing out loud while the rest of the house was sound asleep. If you’ve never been to Something Awful, you’re missing out – it’s a pretty funny site. I happened upon this article last night, and I was rolling. It’s an old writeup about some first impressions playing the PC game “The Sims.” Yeah, it’s kinda long – but I thought it was worth it. If you don’t laugh, you’re dumb. If you dig the author’s writing, you might wanna check out this one too.

I’ve decided that I want a movie computer. You know, the ones where every task, however minimal, is visually exciting? I mean, even checking e-mail on some movie computers involves a 3D mail envelope zooming out of your inbox and bursting into a firework before showing it’s contents. Passwords are always stored in a file called “secret_passwords,” and “erase hard drive” is a valid DOS command. Also, everything is so much more intuitive – if the computer is tied to a bomb that is about to explode, there’s a nice screen with an animation of a slowly burning fuse leading to one of those Spy-vs.-Spy style bowling-ball bombs (and usually an input box marked clearly as “last chance abort code: enter here.”) When you load a virus, actual little pathogen-shaped cartoon things fill the screen as they eat data. When the virus is done, the computer screen flashes a red skull and crossbones to let you know you’re in trouble. There is no Windows in movie computers, they use some crazy movie-PC-GUI that is all spinny and shiny and pretty. You can execute almost any sequence of tasks, regardless of complexity, with the press of a single key. You can apparently zoom in on and simultaneously enhance images by pressing ‘K.’, and at the same time hack into the Pentagon with a USB stick. One time on Alias they even flew to Switzerland to retrieve a “data packet,” they brought it back in a paper bag… huh?

My movie computer would be so awesome. I would put negatives in the floppy drive, and have them print as high-res photos from my printer – all without pressing a key or moving the mouse. There would be commands like “porn: go!,” and “download good music” that would launch from DOS into some crazy fly-by animations of my requests traveling the internet and scooping up the data I want (kind of like Chopper Command, but cooler looking).

I don’t like that the word “fiery” doesn’t contain the word “fire.” And with that, I’m out.

Also written on this day...

• new paint - 2021
• no tengo nada - 2008
• halloween 2006: ceiling dropper - 2006
• picking up stakes - 2004