the crunch

There’s not enough room on this Post-It note to write all the things I have to do. This is a problem. If there was room on my Post-It note of problems-to-be-solved, I could add it too the list. But, that’s my week this week. I’m 100% balls-out on this work though… like now, it’s 20-till-10pm and I’m still chuggin’. Sure, I took a 40min walk around the block with my wife to clear my mind (clear my staring-at-the-monitor headache, really), but other than that I’ve been working solid since 8am. It has to be done folks, this is crunch week and I just have to knuckle under if I want to have a successful month of presenting. Speaking of month, June won’t be much of one… at least not one at home. Percentage-wise, I’ll only be gone 23% of the month – but in my head it sure seems more inconvenient than that. On the upside, I’ve never been to New York City, and I think I may have been to Denver when I was a kid – but I sure don’t remember anything about it. So, the travel may be cool…

If you can’t tell, I’m slightly (and I do mean slightly, ever-so, ever-so slightly) less screwed-up about my presentation. My work-overdrive has made me feel a little more confident that I’ll be prepared and ready to go. I still have guilt for not being on the “schedule,” but when I’m this up against the wall I just don’t care. If I get done the night before, I’ll consider that “meeting the schedule,” regardless of what the real schedule was. I just want it to be over… can it just be over? It’s midnight now, and it’s not over yet… But you know, I totally get off on being able to get serious when the conditions demand it… so this is as much ego-stroking as it is burning the candle at both ends. You mean you worked until midnight, downloaded the newest tunes for perusal tomorrow, and managed to pay bills, take a walk, and do dishes tonight? Yeah I did… and I didn’t even have to take that much speed to make it happen, I’m just half-machine.

I’ve been feeling a bit pretentious at work lately, perhaps unjustifiably so. I mean, I feel like I’m working hard; really hard, in fact. And… I admit it: I feel important. However, I also see this is a risky way to feel. I don’t think I lack humility, but I’m very wary of ever getting to that point. In some cases, I think I’m a bit over-conscious of being humble. I tend to shy away from conversations where I would come off as patting myself on the back, at least – I like to think I tend to shy away from them. To give you an example, I had to take a phone call on the way to lunch today – a work-related phone call. Sitting in the backseat, ignoring a carful of my friends, and talking shop on the phone – I felt bad. I felt like I was somehow “showing off.” This is probably paranoia on my part, but my lack-of-love for self-important people makes me think like that. Problem is, taking charge and forging ahead actually requires some level of self-import. I guess what I’m worried about is crossing the seemingly thin line between self-confidence and ostentatiousness. I’m probably concerned over nothing, but it’s just something I think about sometimes.

So that’s it. Work all day, and blog about work. I’m truly one-track right now. Rock on.

Also written on this day...

• the blog lay fallow - 2009
• home alone - 2007
• thom yorke in a cave - 2006