a provider, a protector

It’s coming up on one heck of a storm here in Sunny California. The wind was blowing the spray from my tires sideways away from the car as I drove home from work, big poofed-up plumes of frenzied droplets floating on the gusts. It’s exciting, you know, when you’re all but sure a storm is brewing and you’ve got a nice warm sheltered hideaway from within which you can hole up and observe. Makes me feel safe, and somehow wise, as if the rigid walls and roof of a house I didn’t even build were extensions of my own arms, stretching out and wrapping tight around my family to spare them from the raging elements. A provider, a protector, someone whose work paid for the place that’s keeping you dry and warm. Yeah, I like storms. And, from what “they” say, this one’s gonna be a ribbon-taker, windy, rainy, and cold.

I say bring it on. After my blustery ride home, I was greeted by an empty house. Not so bad, says I. I put the iPod on shuffle and cranked it rather loud, but had to turn it down just a tad so I could hear the horizontal rain picking up speed outside (remember, it makes me feel strong and stuff?). And, even now, as Neil Young screeches out a live version of “Old Man,” I’m excited for the inky wet environment outside the window, and my brain is turning to those stormy-night ship fantasies I’ve written about before. Reclined in my quarters, nose spiced with pitch, stomach contents sloshing at rhythm with the sea, reading some mouldered book by the shifting light of a gimbaled oil lamp on the wall…

Let’s change the subject, before I start calling myself Ishmael and start looking for wrinkled brows and a crooked jaws…

When I was in Florida, my brother-in-law and I were watching TV, and the program on was “sponsored” by the “natural male enhancement” pill, Enzyte. Now, I’ve often wondered why Enzyte is the only “penis pill” that gets advertised in mainstream media. I mean, they have commercials during prime-time TV, a NASCAR sponsorship deal, and tons of print ads in respected circulars. And these aren’t your back-of-the-magazine Mangaian Tribe wiener pill adverts, either. These are real full-page ads that look like they were designed by paid graphic artists. Anyway, during each commercial break, there was an Enzyte commercial offering a thirty-day free trail of the herbal penis-bulking formula. Soon, I was joking with my brother-in-law that I should order them, take them for a month, and blog about what happens. The more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea. I even started thinking of funny post-accompanying graphics I could design to chart any “happenings” during my “trial.”

So, I did it.

And that, dear readers, means you should prepare yourself for a weekly Enzyte update here on sounds familiar. This way, you can accompany me while I add all sorts of unclassified and under-researched herbs and proprietary substances to my daily diet, and follow along with me as I analyze the witchcraft of the pills. Now, don’t think I haven’t realized that typing “Enzyte” this many times on my blog will be like lighting a massive signal fire to the penis-enlargement spam lobby, because, I have. But, I think there’s a chance for some funny writing here. And, c’mon people, it’s not like I actually need natural male enhancement or anything… as it’s well-established that I’m 110% OK in that arena of physical attributes. So anyway, here’s hoping it makes for some good blogging, and look for the first update soon!

Before I go, I found these two (one, the other) enthralling (to me) brief stories written by a guy about some of the crazier nights he had back in the underground after-hours clubs in an early-1980s NYC. I thought they were well-written, and very Tarantino-esque (fitting with the post Kill Bill high I’m still coming down from since seeing them again for the first time in a while). You should read the stories, they’re quite entertaining, and, whether truly non-fiction or not, pretty engrossing. And, man, that guy has really done some cool stuff… like burning down a crack house, or surviving a Blackhawk Down hail of bullets in Afghanistan. And, yeah, I think they’re true.

And, I hate to proselytize this early on, but did you guys see Obama’s “victory” speech after his Iowa caucus win last night? I thought it was brilliant. Watch it here, or read the transcript if you’re bookish like that. Thanks Iowa.


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5 Replies to “a provider, a protector”

  1. Sitting here drinking in my “morning coffee” (see firefox plugin) in my living room and the wind is gusting so hard I honestly believe my front window is going to explode into the house. I guess there is no doubt in my mind that I need a new front window – air is rushing in between the invisible gaps around it and causing the drapes to move around. Now that’s a quality window.

    So for this enzyte thing, are we going to get full measurements or just offsets from your base “size”? Just curious… you know… for scientific reasons.

  2. To begin with, I will post a proportionally accurate “baseline” graphic (a numerical representation of real, measured girth and length manipulated by random factors of my choosing). After that, you will be able to gauge any progress visually by looking at that graphic as it also grows proportionally to any growth I may experience. I will not, however, be cluing you in on the double-secret “multipliers” I’ll be using to create the graphic… sorry.

  3. Oh, and I’m about to lose a fence here. I actually tied off the post to an old gas grill in the hopes it doesn’t blow away altogether…

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