as wheat on the plain

Hard to look manly on these hogs.
Taiwan… oh man. People drive like absolute maniacs here. It’s totally legal to have a TV screen right in the center dash, so the cabbies are driving hell-bent around town while watching some Taiwanese beauty pageant. Nearly knocking over the thousands of scooters that dart in and out of the cars and trucks. There are lines painted on the street, and traffic lights too – but I think they’re more to make us white boys comfortable than for any real traffic regulation. I swear these people are perhaps the worst drivers ever, or at least on par with what I’ve experienced in China. Scooters are by far the most popular mode of transportation here. With hundreds of people driving them around, paying no attention to where they’re going. I’ve seen three people to a little 100cc scooter, with a 4ft stack of boxes roped to the back. They totally get everything they can out of ’em. Saw one lady who had a dog on there with her, crazy. But so far we haven’t died – so there must be a method to the madness I suppose.

One thing I found that I really do like about Taiwan is the fact that hairy men are totally respected here. Yeah, that’s right – dumb Americans with their prim and proper attitudes toward body hair. I mean, I’m pretty much ready for the next ice age… I have a permanent sweater with sleeves and all. Over here, since the men are hairless – body hair is seen as a symbol of power. That alone is almost enough to make me move here. Had I known, I would’ve packed some wife-beaters and walked around the street in full display. That’s right ladies, I’m a fierce warrior and a power to be reckoned with – flock to my hairy ass. In fact, grab some incense and start bowing – you worship me now… look at these locks, see how my whole body ripples as wheat on the plain? Look, but not too long lest you lose your vision for the sheer glory. Finally a country where I can go swimming and get a tan. Bless you Taiwanese people for your crazy mixed up ideas.

So yesterday I got back from presenting and had a few minutes in the hotel room to change and check e-mail and relax. So I tossed off my chinos (what are chinos?) and dress shirt and crashed on the bed in boxers and a t-shirt to check some e-mail and maybe surf a lil’ Fark. It was an amazing day here yesterday, despite the awful air quality the sun was out and the temperature was perfect – so I had thrown open the curtains to let some of the sun in while I relaxed. I’m sitting there checking e-mail when I catch something out of the corner of my eye. Looking over to the window, here comes some dude on a platform, hoisting himself up to wash my window. Great, I’m half-naked sitting on the bed with a laptop… umm… no Mr. Window Washer man, I’m checking e-mail. Anyway, I just pretended not to notice they guy – figuring if I jumped up and ran to change or put on clothes it would just draw more attention to an already awkward situation. I gotta admit, he didn’t let it throw him though. He did a full clean job, stretching the event to a painfully uncomfortable minute-and-a-half. Owell, at least I wasn’t stark naked. Right after that housekeeping busted in and turned tail when they realized I was in the room. I guess I should learn how to use the “do not disturb” light and keep the curtains drawn eh?

Not really excited about the 24hr journey home, but glad I’m getting back finally. Would be nice to have a fat American burger instead of effin squid pizza. Would also be nice to be with a good old American woman instead of bedding these Taiwanese chicks all the time… what? OK I’m gonna go take advantage of the nice weather and free time I have by walking around the city a bit. Then it’s lunch at a famous dumpling house, and off to my last customer meeting before I leave.

Dave out.

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