grease up your keyboards

Friday at last! Hallelujah!!

I honestly don’t have much today: an entire paragraph built around one funny thought, some other junk here and here, and two paragraphs built around links. Not much original, I fear. We’ll try to make the best of it though, eh?

Man, stem cells are good for blog comments, huh? I should write about divisive poll-splitting issues all the time. Next week I’m going to write about my opinions on using affirmative action to select condemned pregnant lesbian white women prisoners (with committed illegal immigrant christian life partners) for first an abortion and then subsequent death penalty. Yeah, that should get the comments flowing. Grease up your keyboards, you opinionated mofos… I love to hear from ya.

I know it was BoingBoingized yesterday, but it’s worth posting in my ongoing coverage of the I/L/H (my new shorthand for Israel/Lebanon/Hezbollah) conflict. Some people out there are actually rooting for escalating violence in the Middle East. I imagine these folks sitting in front of CNN cheering on the Israeli rockets with big foam-finger #1 things on their left hand and a bible opened to Revelation in their right. The more natural disasters, stem cell research, rock and roll music, and Middle East violence – the better. C’mon Lord, you’re really planning on taking these idiots?

Way to go Thom Yorke! Thom’s ‘headless solo debut crowned at #2 on its initial Billboard splash, being just barely edged out by some new Now! compilation of greatest hits. When I used to manage a record store in the mall, we sold tons of those Now! albums – people eat it up. Yeah, people love hits. Hits and crappy reality TV talent shows. Anyway, Coolfer had this to say about Thom’s good works:

Yorke’s first solo album, Eraser, is less commercial than would be a Radiohead release, and it was released by XL Recordings (distributed by Warner Music Group’s ADA). So we have a less-than-totally commercial album released by an indie, and it still sold 90,000 in its first week. Digital sales accounted for a sizeable 16% of total sales.

Somebody out there likes them quirky beats and loopy basslines! Go Thom.


as july approaches

Friday Friday Friday! Dave love the Friday. Burned the better part of the post-work daylight today working in the front yard: mowing, fertilizing, trimming hedges, checking sprinklers and weeding. Yard looks much better for it and I feel like I did something constructive.

While I don’t usually do celebrity gossip stuff, I am willing to link a funny story if it’s related to something I care about. So, continuing the Scientology bashing theme from yesterday, here’s the comical tale about some famous folks’ heated run-in with a dude wearing a “Scientology is gay” t-shirt. Good story, and, where can I get that shirt? Come to think of it, it’s eerily similar to a shirt I still want to make, but don’t have the artistic prowess to illustrate. Anyone who has some basic drawing skills and wants to help me realize my multi-religion-bashing concept tee, hit me up and we’ll do lunch.

As July approaches, and August after, my mind begins to drift to this year’s Halloween prop. Last year, Kristi made a great suggestion to do a backlit scene on the lawn with a large glowing moon and animated wolves in silhouette, complete with scary baying sound effects. I simply adored the idea, and the concept seemed relatively easy to realize: 2D wooden wolf coutouts with hinged parts for movement, some kind of illuminated orb shaped from pipe/wood, and a simple motor to animate the thing (I have an ice-cream churn we never use which I can adapt). Now, don’t get me wrong, I think this is an excellent project – but it sounded relatively “low touch” in terms of effort (of course, I’m probably wrong about that) and that prompted me to start daydreaming about a second, more involved, prop. Two props in one year, can it be done?! As my mind drifted on the 2nd prop idea, I centered most of my concepts around air-power, which I switched first experimented with (quite successfully, I might add) on last year’s “pneumatic coffin-popper” project. Air power is so clean and easy, no electricity to deal with, no AC-to-DC rectifying, no relays or geared motors to wear out – just a compressor hidden away in the garage, a hose, and some cylinders.

So, air-power on the brain, I began to revisit an idea I’d had a while ago which was based on a “twitching, hanging-from-the-gallows” prop I’d seen somewhere on the net (and has since disappeared, I think). The hanging man always intrigued me, I think mostly because I imagined the hinged limbs moving in a slow-but-frantic, almost electrocution-like, way. Powered the way I imagine it, the whole thing would be quite random, the movements not based on repetitive motorized actions – instead only being “motivated” some force, the actual movements themselves being completely spontaneous and organic. I love the concept, but was kind of turned off by how macabre I imagined the final result. While I love Halloween, I’d like my display to at least remain kid-friendly scary… and besides, in these politically-correct times I’m actually a bit leery to actually place a “lynched” dummy on my lawn.

So, keep the concept but scrap the noose and gallows… what could I do? Then it hit me, a scarecrow. Scarecrows are very Halloween to me, and the scarecrow in my concept is a lot gruffer than your goofy Wizard of Oz variety, I imagine him with a twisted sneer or something. A scarecrow writhing to get off his pole, kicking and flailing… yeah, I love it! Here’s a brief concept description and sketch I made today with all my enthusiasm:

“Flailing Scarycrow”

  • PVC frame with dual-action push/pull air cylinder mounted vertically mid-torso
  • PVC body “jointed” (springs or otherwise) at hips, shoulders, knees and elbows for organic motion
  • Wire attached to each cylinder plunger, and attached to PVC arms/legs near elbow/knee joints
  • Push/pull action of cylinder alternately tugs wires attached to knees/elbows, resulting in a jerky, flailing motion in limbs
  • Cylinder should fire randomly, or perhaps be motion-activated, and be at a lower pressure to sell the effect

Here’s a sketch I did, it was in color, but I don’t have a scanner and the only one I have access to only does black and white. You can probably figure it out anyway.

One thing I do want to do is begin documenting my projects better. I’ve even considered a page devoted to them, with details and through processes like in this entry. Ambitious, I know, but a guy can dream. Anyway… I’m not saying it’s ready to design, maybe a few more weeks o’ thinkin’, but it’s got potential!

Changing subjects… did you see the strange comment yesterday on the “satanic flier” entry? (Remember, the “satanic flier” post is consistently my most read post, averaging 30+ reads per day.) I originally pegged it for a random-letter spam filter test, but was intrigued when a Google search for “zwaml” turned up a ton of hits. Though none of them in English, most of the results were in French, some German, and some still appeared to be a phonetic version of Arabic or some other script. Intrigued, I looked up the IP address of the poster, which turned out to via a system based in Mauritius (it’s OK, I had to look it up too). AfriNIC, the Internet Numbers Registry for Africa, is based in Mauritius – leading me to believe the commenter was commenting from somewhere in Africa. Some more digging, and a few other searches seem to indicate a link between the word “zwaml” and the Kabyle region of Algeria, where they speak their own language: Kabyle, which is a Berber language.

Look, people, I researched this for hours last night. My conclusion? “Zwaml” is a slang word in some Berber-based language, it refers to a type or class of people and is derogatory. I also think it is a semi-localized term, being used primarily in the Berber-speaking regions of North Africa, and can be alternately spelled in English as “zwamel,” don’t ask me why.

Bottom line? I think I’m being called a name.

In other other news, I recently found out that the blog that started it all for me is now back online – and has been active again since sometime late last year. Glad to see it back, it really was my inspiration (oh, and please forgive the linked entry… it was only my 23rd of blogdom – cut me some slack).


whoofin’ on cheeba

Hey friends. No blog yesterday, had a packed night with some old friends – a long-needed reunion of sorts. Now it’s Wednesday night, and I worked from home again today while Sharaun taught a guest art lesson to her old class. It was good being with Keaton again, and, despite having to tend to her baby-type needs, I was able to get a tone of workish junk done. Was gonna mow, decided against it, and that pretty much sums up the day.

I wonder if CNN knows how much humor I derive from their webpage sometimes. It can’t be intentional on their part, but I’ll be danged if some of the stuff they write isn’t hilarious. Take for instance this quote from their lead article sometime Wednesday morning:

A couple of Massachusetts construction workers picked up some bathroom cabinetry and discovered some illegal extras with their purchases. One contractor found ganja ‘bricks,’ and a plumber found a stash of cocaine.

Ganja bricks?

OK, who gave “the man” the weed-slang dictionary? What’s next, Fox News reports on the chronic found at Lowes? MSNBC runs a headline about the sticky-icky-icky discovered at Ace Hardware? It’s cool though, because CNN will probably run a follow-up about how the Home Depot doja was seeds ‘n stems shwag anyway; just weak shake – not hydro, buddah, or nugs.

If you’ve been reading this page for a while, you’ll know that I have a fascination with religion – more specifically with some of the amazing things humans will believe when it comes to religion. Without getting into my religious notions, I just wanted to share this awesomely concise “illustrated history of Scientology” with you. A series of animated GIFs which originated from the ‘net-famous “you’re the man now dog” site, it tells the story of Scientology from Xenu to today in a slideshow of cartoons. Well worth the time if you’re unfamiliar with the “religion” and what they believe, and likely won’t be up long since Scientology employs a stable of notoriously oppressive lawyers who make it their life’s work to remove any content from the world which might portray their sacred beliefs in a negative light. So, check it out, and get a god chuckle. This stuff is better than magic glasses and reformed Egyptian: An Illustrated History of Scientology.

Sorry for the short entry, got all creative feeling and made a new index page again – I never did like that “on the plains” one with the growing trees all that much, I think this one is much nicer. Thought about actually taking my 96 Tears page of the index links, like I did a while back with my music pages, since it’s such a terribly designed page (but, I’ll admit, it’s a neato window into my premillenial HTML skillz). But, it’s still there…

Goodnight folks.

and thus was slain the king of the weeds

Great weekend. Took advantage of Saturday as a “comedown” day from the Germany trip – not that I truly needed it. Laid around the house and did nothing of significance. Well, I guess I did some stuff, just not significant stuff:

1) I uploaded some more pictures from the Germany trip – including snaps from the beer festival and our visit to Dachau concentration camp (the new pictures begin here, if you want to skip the older ones). Pat also posted his pictures, which are essentially the “raw” set from which I drew mine (we shared his camera), but with nicer captions. What a great trip, ranks up there as one of the best “working” trips I’ve had in a long while.

2) I redesigned the splash page, removing my music pages from the links (a bittersweet thing for me) and replacing it with the “media” page. I wanted to do another imagemap with rollovers, since I loved that cloudy/sunny thing I had before – but I think I may have been too ambitious, if I hate it too much I’ll take it down.

3) I spent a good deal of time working on a completely new layout for sounds familiar (one with fancy web 2.0 rounded corners). The stylesheet looks good, but there’s a few more finishing touches I have to make before it’s ready to go live. Occasionally, over the course of the week, you may get sneak previews as I work. But, don’t get too excited, it’s still going to be two-column and green.

4) I booked our two upcoming vacations to Oregon and Florida, so Keaton can meet her grandparents, extended family, and friends. With the miles earned a day earlier on my return flight from Germany, I had enough to comp the two tickets to Florida, and I combined a work-visit to Oregon for me with tickets for Sharaun to get that one on the cheap too. All told, ended up spending about ~$250 for both vacations.. not bad at all.

Yeah, Saturday wasn’t a total bust I suppose. Sunday, after we’d paid our respects to a jealous and avenging God, a God that takes vengeance and is filled with wrath, I decided to exact my own vengeance and wrath on the weeds in our backyard. Now, sometimes when I do things like pull weeds, kill bugs, mow the grass – anything that, to me, happens at a level I’m safely above – I like to pretend I’m a supreme being, lording over those who are unfortunate enough to be down at the level where my actions cause chaos. The ladybugs rent to pieces in the blades of my massive death machine; the green caterpillars left without their weed-foodsource lifeblood; the wasps kicking and seizing as my poison attacks their nervous system…

Whoa, let’s rope this back to the stuff about weeding. Anyway, here’s the proof – I’ve slain the weed kings and their court:

... and thus was slain the the king of the weeds ...

Tuesday this week (tomorrow, as you read this) I’m off on a quick jaunt over to Silicon Valley, doing the customer tour again. Not an overnighter, thankfully, but a long day with two flights, a rental car, and a presentation. Next week, I hit the skies again – with Pat again, no less – North Carolina on Wednesday, Oregon Thursday through Sunday. Sharaun and Keaton will meet me in Oregon Wednesday night, after Keaton’s first flight – a thing which Sharaun, unfortunately, has to do solo. I wish I could be there to lend a hand, but at least we’ll get to fly back together. I can’t wait until Keaton gets to meet her yet-unmet grandfathers – I want to see their reactions.

Before I go, I thought I’d drop this link that my dad sent me, as it’s pretty rich: Christians Against Hip Hop (possibly not safe for work). Good stuff.

Goodnight folks.

out of dry dock and recommissioned

Saturday saw me forgoing my regular weekend cleanup, instead spending hours prying compact discs and their artwork out of jewel cases, rubber-banding them together between two slabs of cardboard, and packing them for sale. It was a bittersweet moment, as years of my life were wrenched from their comfortable plastic homes and piled neatly in stacks. Soon I’ll send them away for good, banish them to the “used” shelves at some NYC secondhand shop. I think they knew we were about to part ways, as their colorful artwork and shiny finishes silently asked me, “Why, Dave? After all this time, you’re just selling us off? We though we had something together, an arrangement, as it were… what happened to the Dave that blew his paychecks to get us? You’ve changed man… you’ve changed.”

I’ll be sad to see ’em go, but if I end up using the money as I plan (for Lasik), I’m sure I won’t regret it. Funny thing is, even after selling off some ~600 discs, I’m still left with an overwhelming amount that I didn’t sell (didn’t sell any of my Beatles & related bootlegs, which total about ~600 in and of themselves, and didn’t sell anything that was a traded-for CD-R copy from my old swappin’ days). The occasion was so momentous, that I decided to capture it for posterity – check out the pictures. (I’ve also decided that I’m going to start using the image gallery to store any future blog-supporting images, as it’s nice and cleaner than just posting images inline here).

Sunday morning I awoke to find the Easter Bunny had visit the night before while I slept. In my multicolored woven basket, he’d left the oddest array of Easter trinkets I’ve yet to see: a green plastic egg filled with Snickers, I carton of bubblegum eggs, lingerie, a bottle of champagne, tingly condoms, and KY “warming liquid.” I tell ya what, waking up to that kind of Easter basket after a proverbial “40 years in the desert” can do wonders for a man’s faith. With any luck, I’ll be able to celebrate two “resurrections” today.

This weekend, the hip-hop station Sharaun kicks most of the time was doing an all-gospel Easter Sunday. This got Sharaun and I talking about the stark dichotomy of the hip-hop culture: fuckin’, shootin’, and boozin’ on one side of the fence, and the Lord God on the other. Hip-hop folks may love their Lord, but they sure seem to love freakin’ and hustlin’ just as much. I’ve always got a chuckle when hardcore rap folks win awards for songs like “Take This Dick” and get up to thank Jesus and their grandmothers. I could never thank my grandmother for being my inspiration if my output was all about “gettin’ sloppy head in the back of a Benz,” and I’d be afraid Jesus might throw a lightning bolt at me if I did. For a good example of what I’m talking about, peep some lyrics to the new Nick Cannon song (for the record, I have no idea who Nick Cannon is – Sharaun brought this exemplary nugget to me this weekend and it fit perfect here):

Who you know a gigolo and still Christian?

Here, Mr. Cannon is stating that he’s not only a gigolo, but is also a Christian. That’s good, because without that setup, one might not catch the Godly undertones throughout the remainder of the song:

Cuz you know da Cannon be flashin, I’m gettin’ more head then an aspirin
At the strip club got me throwing singles tonight
Now she a born again vixen with some dick in her life
Sex real loud next room they can hear us
I’m lookin for a dime who can take the whole 9″
Check the sex tapes if you think I’m lyin’

“More head than aspirin?” Am I the only one who thinks that doesn’t make any sense? Must be some obscure biblical reference, Mr. Canon being the fervent Christian he is.

Goodnight my friends, until tomorrow.

faith in fireworks

Before I get to the pre-written stuff, a link to Keaton’s gallery – where I’ve uploaded a small set of new photos.

OK, here goes a house cleaning: all the “God” tagged drafts I’ve had lingering rolled into one entry, cleaned up as much as I could stand before I got tired of re-writing months old ideas, and published as one. Some of this stuff is pretty good, some isn’t as developed as I’d intended… but here goes.

Ever wonder why God doesn’t do miracles anymore?

Oh sure, every day, on the 700 Club, God’s modern-day miracles are enumerated and trotted out for applause: seven puppies saved from a burning building, a child’s cancer going into remission, a twisted I-beam from the World Trade Center rubble takes the shape of a cross. But I’m not talking about those kind of miracles. No, I’m talking about the kind of miracles designed to convince people that a) there is a God, and b) He’s a powerful God to be feared and worshipped. Miracles, I mean, like those described in the Bible: burning bushes, making the blind see and the lame walk, parting seas, and booming voices from the skies – to name a few. Where are those miracles? Doesn’t God love us enough anymore to give us those slaps in the face and wake up our faith? To use a bit of Paul’s own logic: If 1st century Christians needed miracles to help them believe in and fear God, how much more do we, two-thousand more years removed from the events, need them?

Why don’t people receive visions and revelations directly from God or angels? Why don’t they have inspired dreams or waking conversations with the Lord, why are there no more prophecies? Why has God stopped talking to the people he created, the people he loves and desires to come home to him? Why end it all X years after Christ fulfilled the ultimate prophecy? Why not keep talking, nothing new to reveal? OK, fine… but what about a, “Hey, Mr. Believer, it’s God here. Just wanted to talk to you and let you know I still love you. Don’t forget to spread my gospel, OK? Alright then, bye.” Christians usually explain this by saying the revelations and prophecies of old were simply to “start” the church, to get the ball rolling. Once the Bible was assembled, believers had it as the ultimate truth – and could no longer be fooled or taken in by false prophets. Thus no need for any more direct communication from God. But even with the Bible… wouldn’t the occasional communique from God help bolster faith, help confirm he’s still out there?

Most modern Christians will tell you that, even though there were many amazing miracles in the Bible designed to spread belief in, and fear of, God – that belief model wasn’t working. They’ll say, despite the wonders performed, the people still doubted God, still wondered if He existed, still disobeyed His commands. They’ll most likely tell you that a faith based on miracles is a hollow, easily forgotten, faith. These are all good points, I guess… a faith where you have to believe of your own accord, without fireworks and fanfare, that’s much harder to swallow – and therefore much more devout, right? Bah, I still argue that stopping the sun in the sky tomorrow would cause some currently doomed souls to stop and question their disbelief, would plant a see of doubt into their hardened hearts. And, wouldn’t God want that? Sure, a faith based solely on miracles could be a shallow faith, the believer always left wanting for the next big magic trick to keep them faithful – but does mean that a good old fashioned miracle has no value? I say no.

You’ve heard the saying, “There’s no atheists in a foxhole,” right? Absolutes are always tough, but I do think it’s true that a lot of folks tend to call on God in the thick of it, believing in Him or not. And, while it’s surely not true that there’s never been an atheist in a foxhole, I’d bet more than a few in-a-foxhole non-believers end up calling on God as mortars whiz by. I would submit that, likewise, there’d be a similar amount of atheists-turned-theists at the local God-does-miracles show.

So let’s stop all this, and take the explanation that we simply don’t need miracles anymore. We have the inspired Word of God, and that’s enough to win souls – and anyway, a faith based on the teachings of the Bible alone would be a stronger faith than one based on witnessing miracles. So, sometime shortly after the events of the New Testament, God stopped performing miracles, stopped sending prophecies to his people, stopped casting spirits and demons out of the spirit-plagued and possessed. But, if God stopped all this, particularly the casting our of demons and spirits – one of two things are true. Either people are, to this day, still getting possessed by demons and plagued with spirits while God simply ignores them – or the Devil stopped sending said demons and spirits to possess and plague.

But, are we also to assume that Satan, God’s nemesis, also decided to stop possessing people with demons, stopped afflicting people? The church has no problem saying that Satan is still “tempting” folks these days, they say such things all the time. If Satan can still reach into this world enough to effect temptation on mankind – are we to believe he’s simply “limited” himself to that? No more demon possessions, no more spirits? I hope not, because the power to lay hands on the afflicted supposedly died out with the apostles – and, anyway, God doesn’t need to do miracles anymore – so you’d be on your own should you get “demons.” I guess the Christian defense of this could be twofold: either there are no more possessions, for whatever reason; or, if there are, you can simply pray them away. I think I’m getting too far off into the weeds here… I’m gonna reign it in a bit.

So you say modern-day miracles would only cheapen peoples’ faith in God? I say bull-puckey. Modern-day miracles would wake some people up, reaffirm faith in some, and, in the least, get people talking. Modern-day miracles would be a good thing for God and Christianity, there’s not a doubt in my mind.

So again, ever wonder why God doesn’t do miracles anymore?

One of the things the church Sharaun and I go to regularly is big on is not “adding to” or “subtracting from God’s word.” For the religiously uninitiated, this means that the church is a self-professed “Bible-based” institution – using only the Holy Bible for all creeds, rules, and procedures. It’s not an uncommon view among Protestant religions, especially those born out of the Protestant Restoration in the early 1900s. Ignoring some of the many things that could be said about this, I wanted to, instead, concentrate on the use of this idea as a basis for “ignoring” or placing a zero-value on the many historical and apocryphal writings that have survived time and are available today. I think this is bunk, and is probably one of the most selfishly-motivated misinterpretations of a couple straightforward verses:

Revelations 22:18
Clearly, John is referring only to the “book” that he has just finished writing – his Revelation. He doesn’t want anyone adding to, or subtracting from, that particular book. We can be ultimately sure of this because of a couple things: Firstly, at the time John wrote Revelation, there was no bound collection of writings called a “Bible.” The Bible as we know it today didn’t even exist, so John couldn’t possibly be referring to our modern-day canonization. Second, John makes it explicitly clear that he’s referring the book of “this prophecy.” He limits the scope of his statement to the prophecy of the Apocalypse he’s just given, simple as that.

Deuteronomy 4:2
Here, Moses is revealing God’s law to his people – and the context couldn’t be more clear. In fact, using this Old Testament verse in application to the entire Bible is more ludicrous than doing it with the verse in John’s Revelation. Deuteronomy is the last book of Moses, and not only was there surely no bound book called a “Bible” at the time, but there were many more Old Testament writings yet to come, not to mention the entire New Testament. If we think of these writings on a timeline, any post-Deuteronomy writings would technically be additions. The statement here is obviously in reference to the Mosaic Law, not some yet-to-be cobbled-together book dubbed “the Bible.”

So, church, open your eyes and minds; don’t be afraid. The usage of these two verses to limit potential inspired or relevant text to the Bible only is narrow-minded and a stretch of interpretation. I completely disagree with any interpretation of these verses which focuses on “limiting” information sources to a Bible that didn’t even exist at the time.

Last up, a religion link rodeo. Just to close things out.

Check out this super-interesting (to me) analysis of the problem of “fit” in regards to Noah and his ark. Two animals of every kind, on a boat – I’ve often dismissed it as fable for reasons of practicality, but the detailed look provided in the previous link does a good job actually trying to affix some measurements and numbers to the whole deal. It’s worth a look, if you’ve ever wondered about it.

Lastly, some good reading on the endlessly-interesting Mormons.

Goodnight folks, sorry to get all God on ya again.

them wacky new saints

Get the fire.
You’ll have to excuse my lack of writing lately, or rather my missing of days. I’ve been doing the working evenings thing again, but making sure to limit it to about an hour. That’s part of it, but really we’ve just been busy at night – having people over or falling asleep early or just not caring to write. Here goes what I’ve done today, good or bad.

Did you guys know that my daughter is going to be born already equipped with math skillz? That’s right, this story will tell you about it. Half the reason I like the story is because its unabashed use of the word “maths,” as in a plurality of math, or multiple math-like things. I myself like to use the word “math” as a verb in addition to its more accepted noun-form, as in the statements such as, “I need to math that out,” or “Look at you mathin’ it up.” Ahh… I really just wrote this whole paragraph because I could talk about babies and make a “maths” joke.

In the religious-blog world, a recent re-hash of the whole “DNA disproves Mormonism” thing is making for good conversation. Among the many things that non-believers cite to discredit Mormonism, the lack of a DNA link between Native Americans and the Tribes of Israel is a more recent tact. (With things such as Kinderhook Plates, and proven-fake languages reigning as more established fights).

From the time he was a child in Peru, the Mormon Church instilled in Jose A. Loayza the conviction that he and millions of other Native Americans were descended from a lost tribe of Israel that reached the New World more than 2,000 years ago…

A few years ago, Loayza said, his faith was shaken and his identity stripped away by DNA evidence showing that the ancestors of American natives came from Asia, not the Middle East…

For Mormons, the lack of discernible Hebrew blood in Native Americans is no minor collision between faith and science. It burrows into the historical foundations of the Book of Mormon, a 175-year-old transcription that the church regards as literal and without error.

The book’s narrative focuses on a tribe of Jews who sailed from Jerusalem to the New World in 600 BC and split into two main warring factions.

The God-fearing Nephites were “pure” (the word was officially changed from “white” in 1981) and “delightsome.” The idol-worshiping Lamanites received the “curse of blackness,” turning their skin dark.

According to the Book of Mormon, by 385 AD the dark-skinned Lamanites had wiped out other Hebrews. The Mormon church called the victors “the principal ancestors of the American Indians.” If the Lamanites returned to the church, their skin could once again become white.

(read the entire article)

Not that you really need DNA evidence to question a theory about a lost tribe of Israel finding their way to Central America and producing generations of color-changing Hebrew descendants, one of whom one day would use magic glasses to receive revelations from the Lord… but, y’know, it helps. I want to make a t-shirt with the evil Galactic Overlord Xenu boofing a prostrate Angel Moroni while Jesus looks on from heaven, crying. That would be so money. Oh man, I’m running the risk of going to like three different Hells right now. I need to go to confession, or maybe an audit, or perhaps just wash my Holy Underwear – so, Allah willing, I can be right with Jah again.

I am so not into writing right now. Goodnight.