Hi dear readers. Let me apologize for ruining what was a great month by neglecting to post for the past couple days. It just happens sometimes. A couple late nights are to “blame” this time, one spent hanging out with friends and one spent in a cramped bar listening to music. My entry today was written while I was distracted, and it likely shows. Sorry.
I called to cancel my free trial of the penis-building pill Enzyte on Monday morning, one day before I would’ve been auto-enrolled in Berkeley Nutraceuticals’ “auto-renew” program, where they’d begin shipping me a new supply of pills each month, at a cost of some $60 (Confused? Catch-up on the genesis of the Enzyte business here, take note of the scientific process I’m using here, and finally, check out the first results reported here). Anyway, I thought the conversation was worth sharing, and works well as a lead-in for my latest benchmarking session:
Cast of Characters:
Enzyte HQ – A cheery female with a decidedly Southern accent.
Me – Dave, the guy trying to cancel his free trial of herbal penis-enlarging pills.
Enzyte HQ: Thank you for calling Berkeley Nutraceuticals, how may I help you today?
Me: Yeah, I want to cancel my free trial of Enzyte before I get in the auto-renewal program.
Enzyte HQ: OK hon, I can help you with that. Do you mind if I ask why you’d like to discontinue use of the product? Is it the cost, or some other reason?
Me: No, sure. It’s not the cost, really… I’m just not seeing the “results” I was looking for. (Not entirely true, since I wasn’t exactly looking for any results other than some good blogging, which I think I have definitely got.)
Enzyte HQ: Well, sir, I can appreciate that. However, this is a natural herbal product and because of that we really ask that you give it a full ninety days to see results.
Me: OK, well then it’s the cost.
Enzyte HQ: Well hon (I can hear the smile on her face now), what I can do today for you then is offer you a standard two month supply, normally sixty-some-odd dollars, for just forty-five dollars. And I’ll also take you out of the auto-renewal program. Will that work for you?
Me: Ummm… thanks, but I really don’t feel like paying for it.
Enzyte HQ: (Still as cheery as a Bible Belt Cracker Barrel waitress on Sunday morning.) I understand hon. Tell you what I can do then, I can go ahead and send you another thirty day supply at no cost so you can continue to evaluate the product. How does that sound?
Me: Well, if y’all are going to send it to me for free, then, yeah… sure I’ll take it. (See how easily I affect an accent when in the proper company? It’s got something to do with winning friends and influencing people.)
Enzyte HQ: OK hon, well you will still have to call and cancel again when this thirty day trial is up, is that OK?
Me: Sure, I can do that.
Enzyte HQ: Well we’re sure are glad you’re not giving up on us, hon!
Me: Uh-huh… thanks…
Enzyte HQ: And sir, before you go today, I’m happy to inform you that you’ve won a free five-night stay at a Walt Disney resort hotel in Orlando Florida. This is a completely free offer sir, for five nights for you and your family. All you’re responsible for is getting there and your tickets to the park.
Me: Wha…? I…
Enzyte HQ: So sir I’d like to go ahead and transfer you to our vacation department so you can go ahead and book this amazing deal, would that be alright?
Me: (Not wanting to be outright rude, so beating around the bush.) You know, we’ve actually got family in Florida, and we can get into Disney pretty cheap and don’t need to stay there…
Enzyte HQ: Well that must be nice sir, but we have plenty of other locations to choose from. You can go to Las Vegas, San Diego, Vale….
Me: Ah, no thanks… I only really called to cancel the pills…
Enzyte HQ: I understand hon. Did I tell you about our magazine offers? I can get you two full years of either Maxim or Details for over 90% off the cover price.
Me: (Chuckling as I talk.) Noo, no… but thanks tho.
Enzyte HQ: (Now also chuckling, a good sport.) OK hon, well we do appreciate your time and business. You have a good day now.
Me: You too.
Having this place try to sell me on vacation deals and “mens” magazines as closing pitches fits with the impressions I’ve developed of them. First, the pills themselves come with advertisements for more pills, specifically pills of the “eat all you want and still lose weight” variety. Then, when you try to cancel, they try to sell you on everything in the book. Seems shady, right? But, I guess the people that are ordering penis-embiggening pills may very well be the people who’d impulsively book Disney vacations (though a penis pill company, by the way) and spring for “eat all you want and still lose weight” pills. Still, the popup-esque spamvertising that accompanies their products speaks for itself if you ask me.
But, legitimate or not, let’s get to the results. If you’ll remember my post from about a week ago, you’ll recall that I saw zero change. Now, I need to take some time here and mention that I actually had some hope for changes on this measurement. Why? It’s hard to explain… but, I just kind of “felt” like I’d see results. There’s no doubt about it, things seemed different – felt different enough that I actually half-expected to be surprised. Maybe this is how these things sell? Some physical sensation that works to psychologically hook the user?
Unfortunately, although not entirely unexpectedly, however, the three-week results aren’t any different than the nine day results. Here’s the graphical representation:
(Learn how to interpret this chart here.)
But, don’t fret. Looks like I’ll be able to extend the experiment for another thirty days, and, who knows, maybe another thirty beyond that if they continue to comp me when I call to cancel. I’ll keep to it as long as they provide me the pills, so stay tuned.
And, before I go, I thought I’d point again to Megan’s photoblog, where she’s got another stunning snap of Keaton up. Don’t let the coy look fool you either, she was actually taking a coed bath with Jerah and Job when that picture was taken. One day I’ll get some new pictures up myself…
Well, I’m off to bed. An early rise tomorrow to head to Oregon for an extremely long day-trip. Goodnight my people.