crumbelievable

Crumbelievable.
Sharaun asked me if I was going to shave my beard before Lil’ Chino comes. I said that I had thought about it, but hadn’t decided. “But,” she said, “You don’t want to have a beard in our first pictures with the baby, do you? It’s the first time you’ve ever had a beard in your whole life, and you probably won’t have it forever; do you really want that in your first pictures with her? It’s not you.” Don’t think I hadn’t considered this very thing. My real goal with this beard was to grow it bushy and wild. So, maybe I can just grow it until Sharaun goes into labor – and then shave… or something. Who knows. I think she’s kind of right, though, I’m not sure I want this thing in those very special pictures. Then again, I actually like it, and think I might even like it more the bushier it gets. We’ll see.

I saw a commercial for a new kind of Kraft cheese the other day that used EMF’s 90s anthem “Unbelievable” to hawk curds. You know what they changed the song to? “They’re crumbelievable.” Oh. My. Crap. That’s possibly the worst, worst-worst-worst commercial sellout I’ve ever heard. “Crumbelievable?!” EMF… for shame. I hope they don’t own the rights to that song, because that would mean they came together as a band and listened to a pitch that may have gone something like this:

Kraft goes:
“EMF, we here at Kraft would like to use a reinterpretation of your classic song, ‘Unbelievable’ to market our exciting new line of cheese. We think we can give your work the respect it deserves as iconic 90s dancepop, while simultaneously utilizing its near-universal genY appeal to give our new Kraft Crumbles an edgy edge with the extremely cynical late-20s demo.”

EMF goes:
“Uh, OK… how were you planning on ‘reinterpreting’ it?”

Kraft goes:
“I’m glad you asked! We are actually planning to change the hook from “it’s unbelievable” to “they’re crumbbelievable.” “They” being in reference to the actual cheese crumbles, which are, indeed, unbelievable. Here, we’ve brought some for you, EMF, to sample.

EMF goes:
“Oh. Wow. That’s… Wow. And we get how much now?

Kraft pushes a piece of paper across the table, past the untouched glass bowl of Crumbles, towards EMF. Band members pass the paper around, one to the next. They put their heads together in a brief whispering conference. EMF turns to Kraft.

EMF goes:
We, EMF, accept your offer of money in exchange for our artistic integrity. We will use said money to clutch, if only fleetingly, at memories of our one-hit-wonder, drug and women-filled heyday of 1990s psuedo-stardom. Thanks in advance for the humiliation.

As a postscript, turns out that iPod I mentioned Sharaun winning on the radio yesterday is only 30GB. Oh, and it’s laser-etched with the Discovery Channel logo on the back. Odd, but hey – don’t mistake it for complaints, it’s 30GB and one laser-etched Discovery Channel logo better than the iPod I had before it. Anyway, I filled it to the brim last night and couldn’t be more in love with it.

Goodnight peoples, I be lovin’ you all.


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5 Replies to “crumbelievable”

  1. CRUMB-BELIEVABLE….HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. THAT IS AS CLASSIC AS THE APPLEBEES “TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT” REVAMP…”TAKE THIS STEAK AND TOP IT…WITH MUSHROOMS CHEESE AND SHRIMP…”

    HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

    HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    (WRITER STILL LAUGHING LONG AFTER LEAVING YOUR SITE)

    HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

  2. I cant’ stand this commercial. What is wrong with humanity? I shake my fist at the sky above. Mad at god. Mad at god. Why god, why do allow such atrocities, why do you hate me so much that you allow people who dream up these commercials to exist? Oh, and that jello wiggle commercial as well, “wiggle if you wiggle free, and jiggle in a giggling spree” OH. MY. GOD. I fear for us all.

  3. see, not only do they destroy emf’s song, but it starts with the boxing annoucer standard “let’s get ready to rumble” and changes it to “let’s get ready to crumble” and then it kicks into “you’re crumbelievable.” i hate it with all my being. been having conversations about this and other songs that have been destroyed in the name of selling food products. it’s terrible. it gives advertisers a bad name. although the truth is that emf sold out a long time ago, they never sold out like this.

    still, i’d love to find a version of the song on the internet so i can email it to all my friends and show them that, yes indeed, the world is going to hell.

  4. I don’t normally comment on my own blog, but I had a whole other entry written about the recent Papa John’s pizza commercial for a meat-laden pie which bastardizes the Go-Go’s “We Got the Beat” as “We Got the Meat.” Yes, kids today are singling along to the songs I sang along to when I was a kid – but now they’re craving pizza and cheese crumbles as a result. Sigh…

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